If life were a movie, then it would be interesting. It will lead to a happy ending with a lot of conflicts before. If life were a movie based on a script someone writes, then life would be straight. It will follow the story line. But life isn't following a script. Life is more.
I am a movie buff and i like to day dream about what is it like if i were 'that' person in 'that' movie. I often cried after i watched one. I want to put more colors to my life but i don't know how. I am a nobody with nothing i could be proud of. Oh.. i actually proud of one thing, i am proud to have a boyfriend every girl dream about. He's the one who's always be there for me. He is the only one, and always will be. I am alone without him.
Do you know how does it feels like to think about suicidal every single day of your life? I do. This is the one thing i've never really talked about to anyone. You, whoever read this, is the first one i told. If i don't believe in God then i would be dead by now.
Life, actually, is about making choices, i know. But making choices isn't that simple. For me it takes a lot of efforts, a lot of energy, and a lot to think about. Life isn't that simple for me. I've been through a lot of conflicts, a lot of depressions, a lot of suffering, a lot of crying, a lot of stumble, but no happy ending. What is happy ending actually? I don't know yet.
I know a lot of people, but i have no friends. I have mom and two dads and a brother, but i got no family.
I want to get on my own feet and do something with my life, but i don't think i can. How can people get so confident living their lives? I want to learn something about confidence. I want to learn how to live a good life. I want to have one. I want colors. All i got is just black and white. The black n white itself comes from my boyfriend. Without that black and white, i'm solid black. See, i got colors. Black and white. But wouldn't it be more interesting if i add some reds or purple or yellow? I can't buy those colors from a store. I have to find it someway.
Life IS a movie, BUT, we ourselves are the scriptwriter. We decides what to say, what's the story line, what to do next, etc. We also decides if "our movie" will have happy endings or it will be not. I'm still working on my storyline, and i will finish it in an interesting way. I'm still working on that, i'm still finding a way to be a good scriptwriter.
I've dropped so many tears tonight writing on this blog. This is the first time i wrote what i really feel inside.
For my boyfriend :
"if you are reading this, which i know you are / will, i want to thank you for giving me a reason to be lived. i would be lost if you weren't lead me the way. i want to thank you for being my only family. i want to thank you for letting me know how does it feels like to be loved and love someone. thank you for everything in you."
love,
Priska
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